In a funk :(

Hi. Sorry I haven`t updated for a while-ok two weeks isn`t a while, but it would be nice update once a week. I have been in a funk lately. I don`t know what it is, but I think it is a combination of things.1. The weather. Ok, so I know that Japan hasn`t been nearly as cold as SD is in the winter. I usually get a bit of mild depression during the winter. It must be the lack of sun, but here it is something else. Buildings in Japan are built for summer, not winter (with the expection of Hokkaido). There is no central heating or insulation in the buildings here. Many times it is warmer outside than it is inside! I basically spent the last three months shivering. I didn`t realize how bad it was until I was in Hokkaido and I couldn`t sleep very well. I was too hot! My friends were complaining about the same thing. We were so used to freezing at night, when we finally had the chance to sleep in a warm bed and not wear three or more layers, we couldn`t sleep. It is hard keeping yourself entertained in your house when it is so cold inside (it didn`t help that my walls are all cement). It was even harder keeping it clean when you are shaking. Most nights I would just lay in my bed and read. After a few months of that it gets old. I am not sure how people in the old days did it.2. My Japanese. I should say my lack of learning Japanese. I am going to my class every week, but it isn`t sticking. There is something in my brain that is blocking me from learning the language. I haven`t been studying as much as I like (it is hard to study when you are laying in your bed shaking), but after two months, one would think it would start to stick. It isn`t and my confidence with it is going way down. I am not giving up the classes, but I do feel it`s a waste of my and my teachers time. :(3. My situation. It is no secret that I wish I was in a more exciting area than I am. Don`t get me wrong; I realize that I am so close to Tokyo and I do appreciate having the opportunity to come here, but I am not liking Ibaraki like I did Yokosuka. I don`t feel the magic I felt before (maybe it is just my mentality though, I don`t know). There is nothing to do here (no mountains, no beach=no fun) and I find myself doing things I could just as easily do at home, like going shopping. My town is really boring and it is hard to find anything fun to do here. On top of that, I am not finding my job really rewarding. Most ALT`s are at different types of schools. I am at all low-level schools, so I don`t and will never have the type of relationships that my counterparts at high or even medium level schools have. My students just don`t know how to talk to me and I don`t know how to talk to them, so there is a distance. My supervisor told me I have the worse school groupings in all of the prefecture :( I make the best of it, but it has been getting harder for me to listen to others talk about the amazing things they are doing with their students. Please don`t think I am not grateful for everything. I am well aware of what is going on at home. I am hearing stories of people getting laid of in the U.S., I am so happy to have a job and a well paying one at that. I am just not feeling good about my situation and I feel bad because I know I should.4. My social life. I should actually call it my personal life because I actually do lead quite a nice social life here in Japan. I have met some really great people and I enjoy spending time with them. I just don`t feel close to anyone :( It is totally my fault too, in recent months I had falling outs with some people who I thought were my close friends. Losing them has made my self esteem really low, I mean if people who know you so well don`t like (love?) or care about you you, why should anyone? I just don`t feel worthy of anyone. Plus, I feel like I am not interested an anything, so I don`t come of as an interesting fun person. It is hard to be a fun loving person when you don`t feel like you are (again, it doesn`t help that all I have done for the past three months is shiver in my bed and read). I guess what I am trying to say is, I know it is my fault I am not close to anyone here, but I have been damaged in recent months and it makes me scared to try to be close to people. A part of me never wants to be close to anyone ever again :( The risk of getting hurt is too high. I know I am not the first person to get burned, and I certianly won`t be the last. Maybe I just need more time to heal, then I will be ready to get close to people here. It just would be nice to have someone close to talk to, that`s all.5. My faith. My relationship with God isn`t what it was, say, two years ago. I know if it was good all of the things above would be so much better. I just feel like I try so hard to give it all to Him, but I am not feeling Him around me at all. If I was at home I would maybe go to church more, or go talk to someone about it. I can`t do that here. Plus, I am not sure if I want to. Why can`t He just wave his magic wand and make everything better? Ok, I know that it doesn`t work that way, but right now I wish it did.So for all those reasons, I am in a funk :( I am going to India in a week, maybe that will help. It is comforting to know that many other JET`s have told me they feel the same things, so it is somewhat normal. They say that the first year is really up and down and you go through different phases. I hope that is true, though right now I feel like I missed my up, I don`t know I can`t remember now. Spring is coming too, so the cold thing is over, though the hot/humid is not far behind, is that much better? At least I will be outside more.Well, sorry to complain so much. These are just things that are on my mind. I hope to get over them soon.