Random Thoughts...

Well, here I am about three weeks out from leaving for Japan.  The past few months have been though.  Actually, they have been the worst of my life.  I know what you are thinking and I agree, things could have been a lot worse.  I just feel like my life has been pointless since I left Africa.  I really don't know why, I guess I just put everything into Africa...being there makes me a good person hence leaving makes me a bad person.  Plus the aftermath has been bad.  I think everyone thought coming home, I would be ok.  Girl goes to Africa, girl has a problem in Africa, girl leaves Africa, problem solved, right?  It wasn't like that though.  I always knew going there would change my life, I just didn't think it would in this way.  It has effected everything, my self worth, my relationships with people, my faith, everything.  I really hope going back to Japan will give me a chance to heal.  I want to be myself again.  Have you ever laughed really hard?  Like you laugh so hard your face hurts?  Have you ever laughed so hard in the aftermath you realize you can't remember the last time you laughed?  That is how I feel.  I can't remember the last time I really laughed.  Don't get me wrong, I have had some good times.  But I can't remember the last time I laughed.  I can't remember the last time I was "myself."  I don't even know who I am anymore...